Many of you may not know that I lived with depression and anxiety for well over a decade. I still struggle from time to time but my journey to healing has been life changing!!!

As a young girl my father decided he didn’t want anything to do with my brother and I and left completely. I went from age 3-age 21 without hearing a single thing from him. This started the cycle of rejection I felt.

During my teen years, I grew up in a home with an emotionally abusive man, my mother's husband. He would tell me I was not loved not even by my family, that I would never be successful, that I was ugly and stupid and wouldn’t amount to anything. He told me I would go to jail and spend my life there just like my father. He was extremely emotionally abusive and as a teenager I never could make sense of why he treated me terribly. He also became physical towards me, although it only happened twice, his irrational behavior kept me on edge of my seat all of time. It was a horrible place to live in and I often contemplated suicide as the best way to fix it all.

For years I internalized the belief that I was unworthy, unlovable, and hated.  I accepted this as my reality which really triggered the anxiety I was already struggling with. When I was 20 I met a man who eventually became my husband. This was my only serious relationship so I was elated because I thought for once the things that I was told were not true. I thought for once, I would actually be loved.

In the beginning, all was PERFECT. I mean better than perfect and I thought that I was healed and that life would finally begin to make sense. And then things turned for the worse. My ex began to have several affairs, which in turn really impacted my self-esteem , he hid multiple secrets that made me question if I was married to a stranger. Some secrets are still being uncovered to this very day. This experience reinforced my initial beliefs of being unworthy, unlovable etc., but I was so committed. After all I didn’t want to become another single mom like the women in my family, I didn’t want my children to have a broken home and I didn’t want people to know the truth.

Now I blame myself because I spent almost 11 years in an unhealthy relationship because I wanted so bad to be loved. I thought the more I loved the more it would be returned, but in reality the more I gave the more I lost. It was hurting me more and more each day. Through this process it hurt to know I wasn’t loved, but this experience taught me the value in loving myself and I learned the hardest but most eye opening truth that how people treat you and what they do to you is how they feel about you.

On the outside, it looked like I had it all together. I had multiple degrees, a great job, a husband and two beautiful kids...you know the American Dream right?

But what I was living with was heartbreaking. I sat in silence about what I was experiencing because I was embarrassed and felt so much shame. Shame for choosing this relationship, shame for staying, and shame for hating myself....

After living this way for a while I knew I had to end my marriage even though it felt impossible to do. It literally felt like I was losing a limb.

I invested time, love and energy into a dead end relationship and this was the hardest pill to swallow. All of my ideas, hopes and dreams for our marriage was just all in vein. I was devastated.

I then began to go into a very deep depression and my anxiety skyrocketed. I wanted to heal, but I was not sure it could happen for me and the truth of it all is that I began to normalize living with anxiety and depression.

In fact, I had no clue what life could be like without it.

Eventually when I got so low that I did not think I could make it one more moment I thought of my daughters and knew I needed to heal, if not for me, for them. They deserved to have a healthy and whole mommy.

I reached out for help through my church and got an extremely supportive coach who prayed with me and for me, listened to me, and supported me on my healing journey.

Her accountability, support, and love served as a constant reminder that God was with me the entire time and it showed me that healing was really possible.

Now three years into my healing journey I have learned to find purpose in my pain. More importantly, I have learned to help other women find happiness after their hurt, by sharing my story and letting them know it's possible.

This is why I share my story- because I know there is someone struggling today with what to do, how to feel and steps to take. I know how lonely, isolating, and painful that place is.

I wish at the time I was experiencing this that I knew I wasn’t alone.

So if you’re in that painful place know that I get it. But you can’t run from your mistakes or the things that hurt ! Learn from them and more importantly grow through them....

Now to share this blog post, it was extremely challenging. I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings and I also worried about being too transparent. But I also know that many people's breakthrough's are tied up in parts of my story that I am ashamed to tell, so I promised this year would be a year of more transparency. I pray this inspired you to heal your wounds, because when you do you will come to learn there is a lot of wisdom there. If you desire to have more support on your healing journey sign up for my totally FREE choose healing course: https://nicolyawilliams.com/choosehealingchallenge/

Do something today that your future self will thank you for.