5 Things I wish I knew about divorce
No one gets married with the plan to get a divorce. Unfortunately, based on statistics, at least 50% of us will experience a divorce.
When I asked for a divorce I didn't think it through.
I did not think about the financial impact it would have on me.
I didn't think about the emotional toll it would have on my overall well being
I didn't think about how it would hurt my children.
I didn't think about the generational curse I continued with my family.
I didn't even think of all of the years and time I had fought for us to be together.
I did not think about the love, time and energy I had invested
I did not think about all the hopes and dreams I had for us
I just wanted the pain to end and getting out seemed to be the only answer.
I will never forget the night I sent a text message saying “I am done”. I didn’t want to talk face to face for fear that he would try change my mind. The truth was I still loved him, but I knew he didn’t love me and I knew this wasn’t healthy for anyone.
So I sent the text, changed the locks and filed for divorce. Before court I began planning how we would make time for him to see our daughters and I only talked to him regarding our children. Of course he tried to discuss more but I just wanted to be done.
I thought that it would be simple to just file and sign especially because it didn’t appear that we had anything to fight over. I was very wrong
About two months later while waiting for our first court date I was served ! Served with an order that he was pursuing full custody. I went from hurt and sad to angry and panicky. None of those emotions are helpful when you have to make decisions.
I’ll save you all the gritty details but we proceeded to fight for 18 long months in court and I spent over 30,000 in legal fees.
Looking back I wish I knew what to expect and what I would feel.
I wish I knew that it was okay not to be okay
I wish I knew it was okay to get support
I wish I knew it was helpful to talk to people who have blazed the trail before me
To be honest I was gravely under-prepared for what life had in store me after it was over.
If you’re reading this I want you to know these things !
1. Getting support doesn't make you weak- For me personally I was very embarrassed and ashamed so I sat in silence dealing with a ton of difficult emotions totally overwhelmed and in turn depressed. I eventually and reluctantly reached out to get support and it was the best choice I made. Not only does support NOT make you weak it was the very thing that allowed me to heal. Also note that some of your closest friends and family may have no clue how to support you during this time. This is why it is important to identify who can be there. If you're stuck consider looking to hire a coach, or looking into groups at a local church, or divorcecare.org etc.
2. Everyone's healing process is unique - Do not rush your healing journey. Research says it can take YEARS to fully heal from a divorce. The worst thing you can do is expect it to take weeks. When I see clients do this they often end up in unhealthy relationships all over again. Basically carrying their hurt into their next situation and replaying out their last relationship in a new one. The truth is hurt people hurt people, that is why your ex likely hurt you and that is why it is possible that you may hurt the next person or hurt yourself if you refuse to heal. Make healing a priority.
3. Nobody wins- many times we want to get revenge on our ex or we want them to suffer, because they made us feel that way. Divorce hurts...not just you...it hurts everyone. The reality is no one truly wins in divorce because ultimately it is a loss. When you understand that you will begin your healing journey.
4. Holidays and other special days are hard. I remember being a year in and beginning to feel more adjusted and then Christmas came. I was all alone and every emotion under the sun hit me at once. I was a hot emotional mess. The truth is redefining and recreating days of special meaning is difficult, but if you do this in advance and have a plan when the days come you won't likely take it as hard.
5. Broken things can be rebuilt. There is a belief that if you break glass it is permanently damaged even if you glue it back together. While I agree that it may never be the same the truth is the new item can be better than before. I truly believe that broken things can be rebuilt if you allow God to do the mending. While my divorce broke every part of me that experience allowed me to truly get to know myself and more importantly it allowed me to reinvent myself . This gave me a chance to create a life that I am proud to live.
What you’re thinking, feeling and experiencing is okay . But know that what you’re thinking, feeling and experiencing is not what you will always feel
There will be smiling again
There will be happiness again
There will be love again
There will be life again
If you're looking for support on your healing journey sign up for my FREE surviving your split training here: www.nicolyawilliams.com/7stepstosurviveyoursplit/
This is what I wish I had at that time......
