What is Toxic Positivity and How Do You Stop It?
Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. Some common phrases you may hear with toxic positivity include:
“Don't worry about it.”
“It could be worse.”
“Don't be so negative.”
“Always look on the bright side!”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
It can come from a well meaning family member that thinks they're trying to support you or from the friends who send you the "it will be fine" meme online.
This reason this can be coined as toxic positivity is because many people who feel heavy emotions often feel shamed for feeling the way they do when people make comments like this. When you judge yourself for feeling pain, sadness, jealousy (which are part of the human experience) leads to what are referred to as secondary emotions, such as shame and guilt. These emotions distract us from the problem, and because of that we then don’t have space for self-compassion, which is so vital to our mental health.
When people say this they mean well, but it can often downplay what emotions youre feeling or what situation you're facing.
If I can be honest I think toxic positivity came from society. Think about it when you run into someone and ask them how they're doing they often comment "good" even if they don;t mean it. It just feels like the polite and right thing to do. The truth is We shouldn’t have to pretend that everything’s OK when it isn’t.
Many people ask how do you handle toxic positivity. If someone is dishing it out to you:
Recognize that they in their best effort may be trying to help. Toxic positivity is a newer coined term and honestly most people don't know about it, let alone understand it. So provide them grace and try not to take it personal.
Know it's okay to not be okay. Your feelings or circumstances do not define you. Take some time to process the emotions from a place of grace, love and understanding for yourself. Acknowledge how you feel, and feel all your emotions, good or bad. When you avoid how you feel will only prolong the discomfort. A brain imaging study at UCLA showed that putting feelings into words reduces the intensity of emotions such as sadness, anger, and pain. So take some time to write them out and process them fully.
Take care of yourself. Tuning into self care is so important when you're not okay. This does not mean just baths and painting your nails, but I mean doing the inner work. Do you need to meditate? Work with a counselor?
If you're tempted to give it to someone else:
Remember this article. We are all guilty of toxic positivity at one point or another even if we mean well. So if you notice it consider how you can shift it.
Listen and validate how others feel — even when it’s different than how you feel and then ask them how you can support and hold space for them. This will let them know you care and desire to truly be there for them.Toxic positivity is often subtle and also non intentional. The truth is we have all engaged in this type of thinking at one point or another. By learning to recognize it, you will be better able to rid yourself of this type of thinking and responding. So I challenge you to strive to give yourself and other people permission to truly feel. It's an amazing blessing for both!
If you're healing some deep pain and looking for more support on your journey you can get access to my FREE choose healing challenge here: https://nicolyawilliams.com/choosehealingchallenge/
