What is Grief
Today I want to address a tough topic. I want to talk about loss. Loss is universal. Everyone will experience it during their lives. And when we experience loss, we react with grief. Grief is a psychological response to loss, characterized by sadness, yearning, and obsessive remembrance of the person that was lost.
Everyone’s Grief Is Different
While loss is universal, the experience of grief is unique to each individual. The experience of grief changes based on culture, personality, the circumstances of the loss, and a myriad of other factors. In other words, there is no right way to grieve. While you may have heard of the "five steps of grieving", or any other tips and tricks for the grieving process, know that there is no way to do grief "correctly".
This also means that there’s no wrong way to do grief. Everyone experiences grief in their own way, and that’s ok.
While everyone’s experience of grief is unique, there are common elements that many people experience, and there are some steps you can take to get the support you need during this difficult time. Read on to learn more.
Reasons for Grief and Loss
When we think about grief and loss, we usually think about death. The death of someone close is profound loss. There are also many other causes of loss. In fact, any experience of loss - big or small - creates feelings of grief. In addition to the death of someone we know, common reasons for loss include:
· The death of a pet
· A miscarriage
· Divorce or the end of an intimate relationship
· The end of a friendship
· Losing a job
· Serious illness, accident or loss of ability in oneself or someone close
· An accident, crime, or disaster that changes our sense of safety in the world
· Financial losses, particularly those that require a change in lifestyle
Not all causes of grief and loss have the same societal recognition, and that can make it difficult to get the support you need to heal. For example, studies show that mourning for a family pet can be as intense and last as long as mourning for a person. Despite the intense pain of losing a pet, this loss is often diminished or minimized by society.
While we commonly think of negative events as reasons for loss and grief, some positive events can also have an element of loss. Whenever there is loss, it’s natural to experience some grief - even if the cause of the loss is a happy event. For example, changing jobs might mean losing a cherished group of co-workers and a comfortable daily routine. It’s ok to grieve for the old job, even if the new job is better.
Common Experiences of Grief
Grief has many physical and emotional symptoms. Let's look at some common experiences for each of these.
Physical Symptoms
Grief is usually thought of as causing emotional symptoms, but it can cause physical symptoms as well. The physical symptoms of grief include nausea, stomach pain, loss of appetite, sleep disturbances, headaches, and aches and pains. These symptoms can be severe enough that people are unable to get out of bed. In fact, some people will even experience broken heart syndrome, in which a person who does not have coronary heart disease experiences heart attack symptoms - including chest pain, shortness of breath, arrhythmia, and even heart failure.
People with broken heart syndrome usually make a full recovery without lasting damage to the heart, but it’s essential to go to the emergency ward immediately if any cardiac symptoms are experienced. Only a full examination can determine the cause of heart pain.
Why does emotional pain hurt us in such a visceral, physical way? It’s because our brains and bodies process both physical pain and social pain through the same pathways in the body. In other words, emotional pain hurts, physically, in same way that physical pain does.
In addition, bonding with another person causes a variety of positive neurochemicals, including dopamine and oxytocin, which are released in the brain. When we lose our regular connection to that person, the brain goes into withdrawal and we experience many of the same symptoms a drug addict in withdrawal will experience. It takes time for the brain to reset the levels of neurotransmitters that it produces. In the meantime, we hurt.
Emotional Symptoms
When grieving, people may experience any number of emotions. In addition to sadness, it’s common to feel anger, confusion, fear, regret, guilt, and shame. This mix of emotions can be complicated, and people sometimes feel additional guilt and shame because their particular mix of emotion isn’t the "right" one.
Know this: there is no correct set of emotions that you will experience as part of grief. There is also no one way to express your emotions. You may scream and cry, or you may become quiet and withdrawn. You may lie in bed and do nothing, or you may feel a frantic need to do busywork. You may not be able to return to work for days, weeks, or months, or you may show up at the office the next day. All these responses are valid. As long as your reactions aren’t hurting yourself or others around you, they are ok.
